i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
