why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have fence marks all over my body
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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