i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
