so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
