What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
