I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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