she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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