i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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