who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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