He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
