I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
