i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
