My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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