im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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