..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
