Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
