I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
