My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
