i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
