on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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