Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
