I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
