Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
