It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
