If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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