WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
