Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
