Say something about gay babies.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
