i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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