Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
