The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
