he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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