can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
