Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
