It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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