so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
