$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
