I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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