We're like a lot better than the average bears
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
