He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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