im gay
i know
yea but for you.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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