y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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