using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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