waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
