gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
nutella sex= disaster
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
