My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
