I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
