Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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