The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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