The maid of honor just puked.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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