Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
