I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
